Things Ryan North Bought With My Credit Card

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I have fallen so far behind on reporting Ryan’s purchases, this is really embarrassing.

There are some real good ones cropping up on the bank statement too. But San Diego Comic Con has prevented me from blogging about them, as well as from performing even the basic functions of a standard human being.

It did give me the chance to buy more stuff with his card in a weird city though.

Jul 8

CHECKCARD CRITTER’S CASTLE TORONTO ON ON 07/06 -23.38

Ryan finally received my card in the mail. Let’s take a look at how he chose to break it in. This is a photo I received from him via text message on the same day of his first purchase, included only with the line “Beef Frittata With Vegetables Flavour”.

So the moment Ryan got his hands on my card, he took the most obvious course of action, which was to swing on down to CRITTER’S CASTLE TORONTO ON ON 07/06 (don’t worry, one of those ON’s means Ontario, you are not having a some sort of insane reading freakout), and then purchased:

A HUGE BAG OF DOG FOOD. This is perfect. I am now financing the satiation of international dog hunger. But not just any international dog. This is Noam Chompsky. This is Ryan’s dog.

Since I guess these blogs are also turning into like amateur Consumer Reports on the various goods and services we buy, I think we should pop the hood on Fromm Four-Star Nutritionals Grain Free Beef Frittata Veg Dry Dog Food, and see what makes this brand tick.

Ok, the first thing I notice is that this pet supply outfit, Mr. Chewy dot com, IS RIPPING US OFF! It looks like Ryan snapped up the hefty 12 pounder for $23.38. But Mr. Chewy slings the same load of kibble for $31.99. That is BULLSHIT, Chewy. Bullshit. Though maybe this is more a testament to the rock bottom prices that can be found daily @ CRITTER’S CASTLE TORONTO ON ON 07/06? Probably. Why else would North and Chompsky shop there? They are nobody’s fools. Although Chompsky may be North’s fool, on those occasions when he plays the game “pretend to throw the stick, and watch the gullible dog run.”

But what about the dog food itself? Fromm says: "starts with only fresh whitefish, duck, salmon & chicken." Fromm, cut it the fuck out. You’re making me hungry. Also it should be noted they load more vegetables in this one bag than I’ve eaten all year. "We add an unmatched combination of fresh produce, including sweet potatoes, broccoli, alfalfa sprouts, carrots, apples, blueberries, and cranberries." Uh, Earth to Fromm. You’re making dog food, not a huge weird salad. No dog has ever looked up from its bowl, smacked its floppy dog lips and thought “Ooh, do I detect a hint of cranberry??” Dogs eat poop, Fromm. They eat poop. "Finally, we eschew ordinary grains like corn and wheat, in favor of barley, oats, millet, and brown rice. Eggs and cheddar cheese are added for texture and flavor." I think someone probably ransacked a Whole Foods to make this stuff. I’m almost sold on it for MYSELF. If I swapped all my trips to the Taco Bell for a couple fistfuls of Fromm, I could probably leap over a ravine while catching a frisbee in my mouth.

But I don’t think I’ll switch over to the Fromm diet just yet, because being the cynical consumer I am, I’m guessing this shit is probably chock full of beet pulp. I mean, you just KNOW they snuck some beet pulp in there. They’ve got to cut costs somewhere, and we can all agree that the number one thing that greedy corporations love to saddle us with is beet pulp.

"Because we use vegetables as a natural source of dietary fiber, you’ll find our Four-Star Nutritionals contain no beet pulp."

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jul 4

Ryan received notice of this purchase I made at a Lowe’s Home Improvement store.

This was a really solid use of North’s bankroll. “Home improvement” was definitely what took place upon completing this transaction. What you need to realize is my old trash can was a total piece of shit. It was sort of mostly shattered, and barely holding together as a solid object. Recently raccoons and skunks had been rifling through it, and the pathetic receptacle was offering these scurrilous marauders no resistance whatsoever.

I went to Home Depot first before Lowe’s. Sort of “shopping around”, you know? Huge home improvement stores have a weirdly bad selection of trash cans though. I was just looking for something that 1) had wheels (That’s a no brainer for trash cans right? Think again, very few have wheels. I guess people think dragging heavy things on concrete is awesome.) and 2) had a lid that locked on pretty tight so that prying critters are shit out of luck. Between the two stores, that basically ruled out ALL TRASH CANS, except for the Trashpan here, which as you see from North’s post has snowballed some pretty rave reviews from cyberspace.

It kind of doubles as a giant dust pan I guess? You open it up, tip it over, and its edge is flush with the ground for easy sweepin. I don’t really care about that feature though. I just needed a thing to stick some bags of trash into for God’s sake. What kind of slob does the manufacturer think I am, that I am creating such ENORMOUS piles of waste in my home that I need to say “Fuck it, I’m just going to tip a 32 gallon trash can on its side, and sort of bulldoze all this shit in there at once just to get this pig sty under CONTROL. I have simply given up on conventional tidying methods, and the Trashpan’s cavernous, hungry mouth is my new salvation.”

A note about the photo I texted Ryan with: I did not actually purchase the “Drifting” waste basket. I was going to, for “laughs(???)” but then it turned out to be weirdly expensive. I don’t mind being a little loose with North’s obscene wealth, but in this case I couldn’t bring myself to spend that kind of money on such an atrocious product on principal. My moral compass as a consumer sprung to life, and I put it back on the shelf. If I did buy it, it probably would have been the Trashpan’s inaugural offering.

Jul 2

STATUS

My credit card is currently in the mail, en route to the North household.

I have already spent about $26 of North’s money, spread across two different establishments.

Jul 2
For reasons that no one completely understands, I have swapped credit cards with Ryan North.
I will document the purchases he makes with my card on this blog, while he documents my purchases with his card over here.
A thing you should realize is I actually sent him my debit card, so he now has direct access to literally every dollar I own. We have set no restrictions or spending limits, because that would be for losers.
FAQS:
Why did you and Ryan North trade credit cards? Nothing about this makes sense.
Ok, first of all, what is even your problem? Second of all, you may think you understand the meaning of friendship. But if you and a bro have never traded credit cards and tracked each others expenditures from afar, Ryan and I would like to point out you have a lot to learn. So why don’t you pay super close attention to these blogs, maybe take a few notes, and get a fucking clue about friendship.
Sincerely,
Andrew Hussie

For reasons that no one completely understands, I have swapped credit cards with Ryan North.

I will document the purchases he makes with my card on this blog, while he documents my purchases with his card over here.

A thing you should realize is I actually sent him my debit card, so he now has direct access to literally every dollar I own. We have set no restrictions or spending limits, because that would be for losers.

FAQS:

Why did you and Ryan North trade credit cards? Nothing about this makes sense.

Ok, first of all, what is even your problem? Second of all, you may think you understand the meaning of friendship. But if you and a bro have never traded credit cards and tracked each others expenditures from afar, Ryan and I would like to point out you have a lot to learn. So why don’t you pay super close attention to these blogs, maybe take a few notes, and get a fucking clue about friendship.

Sincerely,

Andrew Hussie