Ryan finally received my card in the mail. Let’s take a look at how he chose to break it in. This is a photo I received from him via text message on the same day of his first purchase, included only with the line “Beef Frittata With Vegetables Flavour”.
So the moment Ryan got his hands on my card, he took the most obvious course of action, which was to swing on down to CRITTER’S CASTLE TORONTO ON ON 07/06 (don’t worry, one of those ON’s means Ontario, you are not having a some sort of insane reading freakout), and then purchased:
A HUGE BAG OF DOG FOOD. This is perfect. I am now financing the satiation of international dog hunger. But not just any international dog. This is Noam Chompsky. This is Ryan’s dog.
Since I guess these blogs are also turning into like amateur Consumer Reports on the various goods and services we buy, I think we should pop the hood on Fromm Four-Star Nutritionals Grain Free Beef Frittata Veg Dry Dog Food, and see what makes this brand tick.
Ok, the first thing I notice is that this pet supply outfit, Mr. Chewy dot com, IS RIPPING US OFF! It looks like Ryan snapped up the hefty 12 pounder for $23.38. But Mr. Chewy slings the same load of kibble for $31.99. That is BULLSHIT, Chewy. Bullshit. Though maybe this is more a testament to the rock bottom prices that can be found daily @ CRITTER’S CASTLE TORONTO ON ON 07/06? Probably. Why else would North and Chompsky shop there? They are nobody’s fools. Although Chompsky may be North’s fool, on those occasions when he plays the game “pretend to throw the stick, and watch the gullible dog run.”
But what about the dog food itself? Fromm says: “starts with only fresh whitefish, duck, salmon & chicken.” Fromm, cut it the fuck out. You’re making me hungry. Also it should be noted they load more vegetables in this one bag than I’ve eaten all year. “We add an unmatched combination of fresh produce, including sweet potatoes, broccoli, alfalfa sprouts, carrots, apples, blueberries, and cranberries.” Uh, Earth to Fromm. You’re making dog food, not a huge weird salad. No dog has ever looked up from its bowl, smacked its floppy dog lips and thought “Ooh, do I detect a hint of cranberry??” Dogs eat poop, Fromm. They eat poop. “Finally, we eschew ordinary grains like corn and wheat, in favor of barley, oats, millet, and brown rice. Eggs and cheddar cheese are added for texture and flavor.” I think someone probably ransacked a Whole Foods to make this stuff. I’m almost sold on it for MYSELF. If I swapped all my trips to the Taco Bell for a couple fistfuls of Fromm, I could probably leap over a ravine while catching a frisbee in my mouth.
But I don’t think I’ll switch over to the Fromm diet just yet, because being the cynical consumer I am, I’m guessing this shit is probably chock full of beet pulp. I mean, you just KNOW they snuck some beet pulp in there. They’ve got to cut costs somewhere, and we can all agree that the number one thing that greedy corporations love to saddle us with is beet pulp.
“Because we use vegetables as a natural source of dietary fiber, you’ll find our Four-Star Nutritionals contain no beet pulp.”