Things Ryan North Bought With My Credit Card



"Lorde Northe!" thusly hade wailled his athirsten chivalrie pon his noble eaerres. "Maketh thine thee haste with ye libationnes!" Hath growen wearie of swich waymentynge from parched dronkelewes, ye Lorde Ryane brandished thou deyntee plaestic afforde’d by thee choise brotymes Duc Huss, and so swipeth did he at thine hosliteer til all debte was settle’d.

"Ful swithe, M’Loard! Ye Esthablishmente hath begun yon operation of the fogger just offstage, and thine roudy conteraptionne hath yeven mighty billowes of ersatz fog as swich pooles unto some sort of enchanted peaty moor." Thee Lorrde did swiggeth yon massive gulp offe his ale and undertooke a great kingly "Hmmmmmm" betraying how layme he thoughte what was going on actually was. "Loord, Avast Ye! Thine flyghtefooted pykepurs, how he faires fromm yon mysts!!! Tis surelley an elfe methynkes." As King Ryan dwelt pon his emptie flagon, consydering whethre to seize more of the Duc’s gold from afar, he wondered, "Isn’t Avast Ye a thing that pirates say? Pretty sure that’s only pirates."


Before I wrote that intro to Ryan’s adventure at MEDIEVAL TIMES DINNER TORONTO ON, I thought about cribbing some Game of Thrones fan fiction from the internet, and just inserting the name “Ryan” into some places. But ok, I’m here to report to you that first of all it turns out that Game of Thrones fan fiction REALLY SUCKS. Second of all, much to my surprise, nobody peppers their GoT fan fiction with pointless, mostly bogus Middle English-speak??? It turns out everyone is just trying really hard to be G.R.R. Martin. You are all a bunch of posers and your stories are terrible. There, I said it.

So what is Medieval Times in Toronto ON all about, aside from beverage service, and on-stage effects designed to drastically reduce visibility? Their website has all kinds of information, most of which I won’t talk about or look at.

I do notice their front page uses one of those Flash-based rotating banners. But there are only two images in the rotation, and one is a horizontal flip of the other.

Diving right into their FAQ section, I noticed this one:

Is it true that we must eat with our hands?

Absolutely! Eating utensils were not used in the 11th century and we take you back! The King’s feast includes garlic bread, tomato bisque soup, roasted chicken, spare rib, herb-basted potato, pastry of the Castle and beverages (may vary by castle).

Alright, I don’t mean to be a spoilsport, but are you going to frisk me at the door for utensils? Because if it’s all the same to you, I would rather you “take me back” with maybe just a few modern amenities. Are you going to suck the vaccinations out of my blood too? How about we compromise. Can I at least surreptitiously retrieve a straw from my breast pocket to slurp down your fucking tomato bisque??? If you agree to that, I will do my best to muffle my screams as I clutch your scalding hot herb-basted potato in my trembling claw, while I attempt to bore into it like a starving animal.

I don’t think there’s much more to say about this place, other than people and horses caper around while you try to eat hobo-style. What I am REALLY interested is what the PEOPLE have to say about it. I didn’t see a link to a Facebook page right away, but then I noticed waaay at the bottom:

The first thing I notice about this page is: horses are everywhere. This is a good sign, because I am about to get on my Steed and ride like the wind.