Things Ryan North Bought With My Credit Card



Ryan and I have returned our credit cards to each other. As of now, our summer stunt if officially over. This is the second to last purchase he made with my card. But we both made one grand finale purchase before returning the cards. Posts about that will be coming soon.

But for now, I will describe his penultimate purchase with my money, which took place at a Canadian supermarket chain apparently named after Scott Baio’s character in Arrested Development. I am told that he (North, not Baio) was shopping for a feast to celebrate his bro Joey Comeau’s birthday. Comeau has made a cameo (comeo??) in the Things North Bought chronicles before, when he and North dined at a Swiss Chalet, and I for some reason wrote four pages about an unrelated burger chain.

Here’s a photograph of Ryan’s haul from Loblaw’s:

Let’s see… a pack of Oreos, some ice cream… uh… some jars of shit. Pita bread? An onion. You know, the fucking basics.

Turns out these ingredients would soon morph into this, a cake made of candy:

The other half of the groceries, not to be outdone, transmogrified into this decadent spread. I have it on good authority that the word “CHEDDAR” was spelled correctly on the first try, which is a relief. It’s nice to know Ryan didn’t totally ruin the party right out of the gate.

By all accounts, the party was a huge hit. Catastrophic cheese misspellings were virtually nonexistent, and almost nobody went into a diabetic coma from the cake.

Loblaws now has 103 of my dollars because of this party. What is there to unpack about this supermarket chain? Not much. Their site is pretty boring, although they do have a prominent recipes section, which I appreciate. I wonder if their recipes include “Make a cake out of candy.” and “Put a lot of delicious shit into small labeled bowls, spell cheddar correctly, and don’t forget the dog food.”

Really I should just cut the crap and go straight to their Facebook page. It would be a disaster to wind down this blog without one last triumphant gallop across a FB comments column as Steed McPainting. These people need to know what a great time Ryan and Joey had on my dime.